It's Not Easy

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If Only...

By Lady Timedramon


Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters within.

Author's note:  This takes place after the events of "Forces of Nature" and is based on Beast Boy's original origins according to Arnold Drake (his creator).


Oh God. . . today, because of me, Starfire almost became another “If only. . .”

When the others are around, it’s easy to forget about everything, to be Beast Boy the comedian, to laugh. It’s only when I’m alone in the privacy of my room do the “if only’s” come out to haunt me.

If only I knew more about my powers when I was younger, my parents would still be alive. I still remember my father telling me to turn into a bird. . . telling me to fly away. . . then watching him and my mother die as their makeshift raft went over the waterfall. If only I knew how to turn into larger animals, like pterodactyls, then I could have saved them.

If only I hadn’t convinced King Tawaba I’d be happier living in the jungle, he might still be alive. A few months ago I tried to contact him, only to find out that he had been murdered. What was I back then? A five-year old shapeshifter who wanted to try out his powers in the jungle, who didn’t want to be tied to learning the things a tribal prince had to. King Tawaba was still willing for me to be his son. If only I had stayed with him in the village, I wouldn’t have been taken by the jewel thieves, and King Tawaba might still be alive today.

If only I hadn’t played the joke on Stokes and Kurt, they wouldn’t have killed each other. Yet there I was, six years old and using my powers to break into places and steal things. I naively believed them when they told me that the diamonds were Easter eggs and the gold bricks were toy blocks. So when I hid them, I thought I was hiding toys. I will never forget the site of Stokes and Kurt shooting each other to death because they thought the other was stealing their stolen goods. They may have been crooks, but they were still good to me, better than my guardian Galtry ever was. If only I hadn’t played that trick, you two might have lived. . . and served out jail time. . . but you wouldn’t have died because of me.

If only I was there on the Doom Patrol’s last mission. Robotman and Negative Man were like my uncles, the Chief like a grandfather. . . and Elasti-Girl, she was the first mother I’d had in years. She believed me when I told her my guardian Galtry was stealing my inheritance. She cared for me, and taught me not to shy away from my strange color and powers. The Doom Patrol sacrificed themselves to save a town of fourteen fishing families. If only I had been there when they were captured by Zahl and Madame Rouge, I might have been able to do something to change the outcome.

I hear Cyborg thumping down the hall, probably to challenge me to a video game. Time to put on my happy face. Time to put the “if only’s” away for now.

Even though I’ll never say it out loud, I’m very glad that today, Starfire didn’t become another if only….
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